We are having some marital problems right now. The issues revolve around trust & honesty, and they are things Rick has done recently. Not cheating or anything revolving that kind of betrayal, but lies, no matter what kind, hurt & do damage as well. Rick wants things to work, and he refuses to leave or give up on us. He's the thing that holds us together in times like this. Well, I should say his (sometimes annoying) stubborness is. I know he loves us, and I love him but marriage isn't only about love. You need respect, honesty & team work. I want it to work, I really do.
But. Throwing this in with the recent news that we will have to be going to San Fran every other week, where Rick will be missing out on work, which means less pay, more bills, and the fact that we spent money re-doing some of our house & paying old bills, and having some fun with the money before we knew we'd be having to do more back & forth again. I wish we could have known ahead of time. The stress of traveling, juggling Ricks job, Brayton's surgeries, & doctor's appointments, Destiny's school, & both girls activities, and now finances is just getting to me. We were doing okay financially & things felt so smooth flowing. It was easy sailing! Now, I feel like we're about to slide into the same hole we were in before, and not just with money. Brayton was doing so well & I felt like things were "normal." Now he has to undergo bi-weekly anesthesia, surgery & waking up confused, in pain, and angry. He freaks out afterwards, more upset than I've ever seen him. I wish I could take it all away for him.
I guess the point of this post was that I'm losing my patience, and I feel like a really crappy mom today. I seem to snap at the smallest things, and afterwards I feel terrible. I love them, more than anything else in this world-all of them, but it's so hard sometimes to be home with them every day, day in & day out, and to have Brayton pulling all the dvd's, pots and pans, books, and anything else he can get his sweet little hands on, out (which I know is totally normal at this age, and Im normally able to go with the flow just fine) while Nikiya stands there and jumps up and down screaming at me because something isnt going her way, and Destiny is being mouthy and not minding. I just want to pull my hair out, and moments like this, the days I feel about to burst, I wish I knew a better way to take a step back, and suck it up and deal with it gracefully.
I know people have it worse off, and I'm not trying to be a big whiney baby, but today, I just had to get it out before I end up ranting & raving to myself. ;)
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